The Dating Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley

They Grew Up!

Remember these two? Our favorite sleepover pals?

They, like us, are now full-grown adults with plenty of dating history to discuss. Unlike us, they are glamorous, strange, multi-millionaire pixies who run multiple businesses and have never shopped online (which might be the most unbelievable thing about them).

Full disclosure: I am infatuated with the Olsen twins as adults. Everything about them is completely impossible to relate to as a normal non-millionaire human woman and I LOVE that. Having built an empire on being relatable and accessible as children/teens, they now want to be out of the spotlight but make no real effort to look like normal plebeians or be inconspicuous. They are unrealistically beautiful, opulent, and eccentric.

They seem so incredibly out of touch with the common people. I mean, they still SMOKE CIGARETTES. IN TWENTY-NINETEEN, which is something that has been pretty universally shunned by Hollywood folks at this point. I can’t decide if they make smoking look cool, or if they just look like teenagers trying to make smoking look cool. Either way, they seem to almost always have a cigarette, coffee, or both in hand. I honestly can’t pull myself away from looking at paparazzi photos of the two.

I am baffled by the fact that these two women can smoke (something that is now almost universally considered to be uncouth in the celebrity world) while wearing clothing that looks like bed sheets and coats stolen from grandfathers and still look incredibly cool and elegant. Is it just the sunglasses? If I start wearing sunglasses constantly, will everything I do become cool? I’ll report back on that later.

I am also fascinated with their history of dating much older men. Look, I am not judging them. They are grown-ass women who can date whomever they wish, and I have had more than my fair share of crushes on older men (i.e., 90% of my college professors). I’m just saying that it’s interesting and I can’t stop thinking about it and my dreams are filled with eerie visions of Olsen twins making out with old grey-haired men in public.

The (Mostly) Very Old Boyfriends

I’ll start post-2005 and skip the teen loves, who were mostly age-appropriate.

Here is a quick boyfriend breakdown chart showing how the age gap increases with almost every new boyfriend.



Mary-Kate found stasis with her 17-year age gap. Ashley, on the other hand, continued the upward trend until she reached the point of diminishing returns. I assume the dip at the end is a reboot, and she will start the upward trend all over again. Or, perhaps, she will take it the other way? Start a downward trend? Only time will tell.

Current Loves

Mary-Kate has been married to Olivier Sarkozy since 2015. The height difference is almost as striking as their age difference, and they reportedly used bowls of cigarettes as centerpieces at their wedding. You can find a few strangely upsetting pics of the two of them in public if you are interested in that kind of thing (I am, obviously).

“Dad, stop! You’re embarrassing me!”
“Yes, boop my nose! That will squash those daddy issue rumors for me.”
*exchanges a portion of his soul for her youth

Ashley is currently dating weirdly dressed artist/cowboy, Louis Eisner. As you can see from her chart, after years of steadily dating older and older men, Louis is actually younger than she is. It hasn’t been going on for long, so who knows if it will last, but they look very cute together.

The Grande Finale, Which Is Unrelated to Relationships

For the Grande Finale, I present to you a few favorites from the Spring 2019 line from the twins clothing line, The Row.

There is something for every occasion!

Links

An instagram account for you to gaze at Olsen twin photos all day

Mary-Kate and Olivier’s ridiculously incredible New York apartment

A vine of the twins posing for a photo that is actually a video (THIS IS WORTH THE 6 SECONDS)

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6 comments

  1. Their clothing line is ridiculous, just like them! This makes me want to watch Holiday in the Sun and put on some lipsmackers

    Like

  2. I think someone should re-publish the children’s book, “The Emperor’s New Clothes” and get Mary-Ashley to write the Forward.

    Meanwhile, I’m just eating my feelings and singing “Tears of a Clown,” obsessively in my head for being joyfully average.

    Like

  3. Okay, I love this post and those outfits at the bottom are hysterical! Not to mention the comment about your college professors :).

    On a side note, I am obsessed with college admission scandal. In the words of Rob Lowe, “it’s like a slow train that you just can’t stop looking at.”

    Like

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