The Bachelorette premiere is right around the corner, and I was beginning to wonder if ABC was going to publish profiles of Hannah’s men! They usually release them a week and a half or so before the premiere, but they pulled this one off in the twilight hour. These photos are serving us Olan Mills realness, and I am here for it.

I’m feeling hopeful and excited for this season! Hannah is really cute and fun to watch and doesn’t quite fit the traditional Bachelorette mold, which I love. I find her constant awkwardness and inability to figure out how to respond to almost any situation completely endearing. I think “All we talk about is stupid sh*t” may be the new “I’ll go all West Virginia hood rat on your ass.” It’s clear that we are going to enjoy watching Hannah attempt to find love, but the question remains if this group of men will be mostly interesting and cool guys (like Rachel’s crew) or a crowd of blazing dumpster fire bros (like Andi’s crew… and most of the crews), or something in between.

Here are my rankings of Hannah’s men based on what we know so far from worst to best. (Photos are followed by ABC’s official bios, followed by my thoughts.)

Grant is the real-life “The Dude.” He loves white Russians and has no interest in hearing about your CrossFit workout plan or recent Instagram post. Grant considers himself to be romantic because he enjoys PDA. He loves to impress the ladies with his surprisingly good dance moves and is hoping his blunt realness stands out to Hannah.

• His biggest fashion regret is wearing fake earrings to his high school prom.
• He isn’t afraid of a dance-off.
• Grant has a hard time believing that any young guy who comes on “The Bachelorette” is “here for the right reasons,” and he plans to call them out on it.

My instinctual reaction to his “unemployed” status was to be impressed with his honesty. I can hear the producers now saying “don’t you want to be an argyle sock enthusiast? Or an aspiring lumberjack?” and Grant responding “No! I am unemployed! Stop trying to change me!!” But as I read on, I started to see that this guy is planning to be a dirtbag. He’s trying to set himself up to be the villain, and I ain’t got the time nor patience for it. A true villain must develop naturally through poorly worded and pathetic verbal disagreements and alarmingly passive-aggressive actions. You don’t choose the villainhood, the villainhood chooses you.

Cam is a sales manager from Texas with a competitive personality. He loves to be the life of the party and is the self-proclaimed “dance floor king.” Will he have the right moves to impress our Bachelorette?

• The Notebook is his all-time favorite movie.
• Cam can freestyle rap about anything and play the harmonica.
• The most important thing Cam looks for in a woman is good dental hygiene.

Cam, just because you “can” freestyle rap, doesn’t mean you should. We got a taste of his talent at Colton’s finale, and I am not a fan. I think we all stopped thinking white guys who are bad at rapping but do it anyway are cute around 2011 (that is, if we ever truly thought it was cute). Also, there is no way The Notebook is actually his favorite movie. That is something men say when they think it sounds funny or interesting for them to love a chick flick. Call me when your favorite movie isn’t the first chick flick you can think of (hit me with some She’s All That or 10 Things I hate about you).

Scott is a sales executive from the Windy City. When he’s not closing deals, he likes to day drink with his buds on rooftops and watch sports. Scott says that he’s a great catch because “I’m employed with a real job and have friends who are a blast to be around. Along with all that, I come from a great family.” Okay, Scott, you’ve convinced us. Now it’s up to you to make our Bachelorette feel the same.

• Scott is an admirer of Kris Jenner.
• He says he is very skilled at schmoozing waitresses into giving him free food and drinks.
• Just for fun, Scott once ran in a circle around the mall food court, acting like a flying chicken.

Things started off ok with rooftop day drinking and sports (sounds fun to me!), then started to decline when he claimed to be a good catch because he has a “real job.” Things really took a turn when he started talking about manipulating waitresses to get free stuff. That’s truly obnoxious dirtbag behavior. No thank you!

This Los Angeles native is the life of the party. Jonathan loves to go out, but what he really enjoys is the process of getting ready. He is a perfectionist looking for a woman who appreciates attention to detail just as he does. When he’s not at the clubs, he loves playing basketball and spending time with his family at church. Jonathan may be the answer to Hannah’s prayers.

• Two places Jonathan really wants to visit are Miami and New Orleans.
• Jonathan loves sparklers.
• Religion plays a very important role in Jonathan’s life.

A server from L.A. = aspiring actor. So it stands to reason that we have a “not here for the right reasons” situation on our hands. Plus, I highly doubt that Hannah is praying for a partner who spends 5% of his time at church, 8% playing basketball, another 12% clubbing and the other 75% getting ready in front of the mirror. Bye, Jonathan!

Kevin is a small-town guy who is the ultimate family man. He works as a behavioral health specialist for the army, helping vets deal with trauma. When he’s not working, he’s pumping iron at the gym. Kevin says his past relationships haven’t worked out because he “loves too hard.” Sounds like he may have that fierce love that Hannah is looking for.

• Kevin loves the Harry Potter series.
• Kevin loves to play the piano and sing.
• Kevin wants to travel more, but he won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have an available gym.

Kevin actually sounds ok, with one huge exception. Believing that all of your relationships ended because you “love too hard” is like thinking that you lost a beauty pageant because you are “too talented and pretty.” Sounds like someone who can’t take responsibility for his own actions. Oh, and he won’t travel unless he has a gym readily available?

Hunter’s life revolves around the ocean. If the waves allow it, he’ll be in the water every day. He recently quit his dream job working for the World Surf League to follow his passion and pursue his own surfing goals as an athlete, and to start his own creative agency. We’d help Hunter wax his surfboard anytime.

• He has been in two serious relationships and both of them were long distance.
• Hunter still lives at home with his parents.
• Hunter loves to host a good “Bachelor” viewing party.

The ABC copywriter needs a cold shower, apparently. And I find it interesting that Hunter loves to host viewing parties, but lives with his parents. Does his mom pop out of the kitchen every once in a while to see if anyone needs more snacks?

For this Italian boy, family is everything. Joe’s two older siblings both have families of their own, and his parents are ready for more grandbabies. When he’s not killing it in the family cardboard box business, he enjoys going to Vegas and club-hopping. He is also a whiz on the blackjack and craps tables. Will Hannah roll the dice and take a chance with Joe?

• Las Vegas is Joe’s favorite place in the world. He went four times in the last year alone.
• Joe once went streaking in college.
• Joe’s most complimented features are his eyebrows.

A partying gambling addict just screams marriage material! And he gets compliments on his eyebrows, to boot!

Matteo grew up all over the world, living in places such as Austria and Kenya before settling in Atlanta with his family. He graduated from Georgia Tech and has a degree in mechanical engineering, which is very helpful now in getting his virtual reality startup off the ground. On the side, Matteo is a sperm donor who has helped create 114 children for all types of families—talk about an ice breaker. Matteo may be the strong and silent type, but we have a feeling he and Hannah will have a lot to talk about.

• Matteo once competed in a talent show where he chugged a gallon of milk in ten seconds.
• If he could have any job in the world, he would be a firefighter.
• First item on his bucket list: take someone to a ball in a castle.

I would not want to have children with a man who has already “helped create” 114 others. That would mean our children would have all of these genetic half-siblings roaming around the world. Thank you, next.

John Paul Jones is a financial analyst from Maryland who is here looking for the real deal. When John Paul Jones isn’t daydreaming about his future wedding, he enjoys traveling the world and contemplating the meaning of life. Could Hannah be John Paul Jones’ future bride?

• When referring to John Paul Jones, always use his full name: John Paul Jones.
• John Paul Jones’s favorite drink is Champagne.
• John Paul Jones rarely uses words that are less than three syllables long.

There is nothing more charming than a man who uses lots of unnecessarily long words and then brags about it. *eye roll* That being said, JPJ does have a major early 2000s teen heart throb vibe, and I cannot deny the appeal of that.

Luke P. is a good Christian boy from Gainesville, GA. He prides himself on being able to get along with anyone, and he loves team sports. After a religious awakening in college, Luke decided that when he dates, it’s for marriage. To Luke, “for better or for worse” means unconditional love. Luke seems to be everything Hannah wants in a husband. Is this a match made in heaven, or is it all too good to be true?

• Tim Tebow is his hero.
• Worst fear is having bad gas on a date.

I think we are in for some major drama with this one. Firstly, making a big deal about him being a “good christian boy” makes me think that his behavior is going to suggest otherwise. Well, that and the fact that the teaser for the season involves him yelling in people’s faces and Hannah asking him why every other guy hates him so much. Not looking good for ole’ Luke P. There is one fun thing about Luke, though: imagining him getting ready for a date and staring in the mirror, giving himself a pep talk – “don’t fart, Luke. DON’T FART.”

Devin loves being in love. He has been in three relationships, with the shortest one being two years and the longest being five. He says he has trouble finding love in Los Angeles because no one in L.A. wants anything serious. Will Devin have better luck with a woman from outside of Southern California? Maybe an Alabama gal is more his speed.

• Devin and Wills from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette are good friends.
• His advice for anyone who wants to find love is “don’t be a sleaze.”
• Devin has an 8-year-old step brother who is one of his best friends.

Here’s the thing. It’s cool to say that you are really close to your child-step-brother, that you love him, etc. But saying that an 8-year old is your best friend? That is straight up weird and/or sad.

Luke S. works as a political fundraiser on Capitol Hill and is also a tequila expert and entrepreneur. He says he is looking for someone to enjoy the beauties of life with, someone to challenge him, and a partner that has the same thirst for knowledge that he has. Luke’s best friends say his perfect girl is a Southern belle with a quirky personality. Does that sound like anyone we know?

• Luke’s grandma and grandpa were married for 70 years and got engaged after three weeks of knowing each other.
• People tell Luke that he looks like Nick Viall all the time.
• Luke says that he once hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush.

It’s funny how people reference their parents or grandparents having spent their whole lives together as if long-lasting relationships were genetic. And bragging about hitting on Emily? Let’s say it loud for the men in the back – WOMEN DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN RANDOM MEN “HIT ON” THEM.

Matthew works in the family business of auctioneering, mainly cars and motorcycles, but he is working toward getting a real estate license. He describes himself as quick-witted, adventurous and energetic, and he enjoys exercising, golfing and hanging out with friends. Matthew is into the ink and has a full sleeve on his left arm, a chest tattoo, two right-arm tattoos and four leg tattoos. Most people’s bodies are their temples, but Matthew’s is an art gallery.

• Matthew’s 3-year-old sister is his favorite person.
• He grew up on his family’s winery and would love to join that business one day.
• Matthew has never left the country and would love to see the world.

“into the ink” – I’m starting to wonder if the ABC copywriter is actually Chris Harrison’s thirsty grandmother.

Connor J. is looking for a woman with whom he can build a life of love and fun. He’s full of charisma and is someone that will always open your door and pull out your chair. Connor J. is the kind of guy your dad wants you to end up with. Will his manners help him fit in with Hannah’s Southern hospitality way of life?

• His biggest turn-off is a girl who gossips.
• Connor has been to 40 out of the 50 states in the U.S.
• Connor’s grandmother says he deserves a “sexy woman” who is ready to give her grandkids!

I hope Connor’s grandmother gets the sexy granddaughter-in-law that she has always wanted, but I have a feeling it is not going to be Hannah.

Joey spent his 20s having adventures and starting his career. He’s lived in Australia, Hong Kong and San Francisco; and while he still loves adventures, his priority now is looking for a life partner to settle down and have children with. He is excited to be married, have a house with a pool in the backyard and a couple of kids running around. Hopefully, Hannah likes minivans.

• While Joey has bungee jumped and skydived, he is afraid of heights.
• Joey is currently re-learning how to play the piano.
• Joey loves to document important moments with his Polaroid camera.

If Joey doesn’t show up to the mansion with a Polaroid camera around his neck, I will LOSE IT. (P.S., That hair part. Wow.)

Jed is an adventurous singer/songwriter from Tennessee who is looking for a forever type of love. Jed finds it easiest to express his feelings and be vulnerable through his music; but after his last relationship ended terribly, Jed stopped making music and said it was one of the hardest times in his life. Will Hannah be able to help this songbird sing again?

• Jed can rap Nicki Minaj’s part in “Bottoms Up” flawlessly, and says he can shoot a rubber band with freakish accuracy.
• He grew up in the Smoky Mountains, the birthplace of Dolly Parton.
• Jed’s biggest fan is his little sister who thinks that he and Hannah are a perfect match!

We’ve got another rapper on our hands, which I’ve made clear is a big con for me. But, based on the teaser, it looks like Jed is going to make it pretty far as he is one of the men we see telling Hannah that he is falling in love with her. Time will tell if his rap-bragging is symptomatic of a deeper issue.

Dustin is a passionate guy who loves a good night of Netflix and chill, and is looking for a mature woman that his family will love. The son of a single mom, Dustin says that if a woman wants to be with him, she’ll definitely need mom’s approval first. She’ll also need the approval of the other important woman in his life, his English bulldog, Sophia.

• Dustin loves Tony Robbins.
• He says he can beat anyone in a game of Jenga.
• Christmas time is his favorite time of year because all the lights and music remind him of his childhood.

There is nothing super unique about loving Christmas because of the lights and nostalgia. But Dustin was really awkwardly cute when he met Hannah during Colton’s finale, and he sounds nice enough. The Netflix and Chill comment – time will tell if it is tongue and cheek or if he is kind of a creep.

In this pilot’s family, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Peter’s parents met while his dad was a pilot and his mom was a flight attendant. When Peter is not flying the friendly skies, he enjoys snowboarding, watching football and line dancing. Peter’s life motto is “you should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you.” Could meeting Hannah be that next great thing?

• Peter’s grandma’s name is Rose.
• He once took a girl on a sunset flight to Santa Barbara for dinner.
• Even though he is a man of the world, Peter still lives at home.

Peter is another whom we see telling Hannah that he is falling for her in the teaser. Red flag – he is still living with his parents, but he seems cute and sweet otherwise.

Before Thomas was a national recruiter for big energy business, he was an international basketball star. He played overseas for a year but is happy to now have settled in Michigan where his family still lives. Thomas says the person he loves most in the world is his mother because she cares for him like no one else can. Will that change when he meets Hannah?

• Thomas’ family has never met anyone he’s dated.
• Thomas loves going to clubs and dancing to EDM music.
• His nickname in basketball was Mr. Fourth Quarter.

A lot of these guys really love their mommies. And clubbing.

Dylan is a handsome entrepreneur with a giant smile and a heart of gold. He is the co-founder of a fitness company that allows people to work out while donating food to those in need. He loves to drive his boat, scuba dive and cook up a big meal. Hopefully, Hannah’s hungry.

• The majority of Dylan’s friends are women.
• Dylan’s favorite sport is basketball.
• Dylan has two tattoos: a palm tree on his ankle and a heart with roses on his chest for his mom and dad.

Nothing major to dissect here, other than the weirdness of saying that most of your friends are women. Ok?

Tyler G. is a very laid-back guy with a go-with-the-flow kind of attitude. He avoids clubs at all costs and would much rather spend time reading, going to Soul Cycle or relaxing on his boat. Tyler considers himself a modern romantic and is looking for his equal match, who he says is a confident girl that isn’t afraid to lay it all out on the table and is one that can make him laugh. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hannah!

• Tyler’s life goal is to get his PhD in psychology and become a clinical psychologist.
• He adheres to a strict Keto diet.
• Tyler has a side business in Dream Therapy Analysis.

Finally! Someone who doesn’t love clubbing! And I can’t wait to watch him psychoanalyze all of these dum-dums.

Ryan is an adventurous risk-taker from Philly. When he’s not spending time outdoors hiking or rock climbing, he is passionately working as a data analyst to improve healthcare for women. Ryan says he’s never been in love, but he’s hoping that Hannah can change that.

• Ryan was his high school valedictorian.
• Ryan is a skilled tightrope walker: He once walked a 1″ wire over a 300′ canyon in Utah.
• Ryan’s favorite food is ice cream.
• Though he loves being outdoors, birds freak him out.

Ryan might be on the wrong season. Sounds like he could have been Kaitlyn’s soul mate. Avianphobes unite!

Daron may seem like a tough guy on the outside, but really, he is just a giant teddy bear. He is a former college athlete and no stranger to competition. Along with sharing a love of football, Daron and Hannah share a lot of similar values when it comes to love. Daron says he loves a woman who can take charge. Does that sound like anyone we know?

• Daron is a total video game nerd! He is even a globally ranked champion in Guitar Hero.
• He is terrified of spiders.

The way this is written really makes it sounds like both Daron and Hannah are looking for a woman who can take charge.

Matt Donald is an old-fashioned guy who loves to bring flowers to a girl on a first date. When he’s not killing it in the medical device sales game, he’s spending time with his family and watching Alabama football. Matt’s brother and parents are deaf, and he grew up speaking sign language. We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word, and we think Hannah will too.

• Matt loves salsa dancing, even though he says he is terrible at it.
• Matt’s biggest fear in the world is being trapped in a room with spiders.
• Matt says that he “loves Hannah and he hasn’t even met her.”

“We love a man that can communicate what he’s thinking with his hands without ever saying a word” – someone get Chris Harrison’s grandmother under control!

Mike is an Air Force vet who enjoys Krav Maga and going to trampoline parks. He has a lot of swag but is a romantic at heart. Mike says he’s a “city boy who loves to get down and dirty,” perfect for Alabama Hannah.

• Mike has been to 30 countries.
• He’s so excited to meet Hannah, but is terrified that she will ask him to go skydiving with her.
• Mike really wants to learn Mandarin and get into Parkour.

Mike’s LinkedIn page has his job listed as “Happy at Life.” As in his position is “Happy” at the company “Life.” And I have been saying for years that these contestants need to get smarter about the things they are “terrified” of. Sounds like Mike may have figured it out, since I’m gonna guess that he is actually dying to go skydiving.

According to Chasen, “women always love a man in uniform,” so naturally, he became a commercial airline pilot. Chasen is a soft-spoken charmer who refers to himself as the “forever wingman”—pun intended. Now, he’s ready to spread his wings and find the love of his life, hopefully in Hannah.

• His favorite pastime is watching The Bachelor and drinking cocktails with his mom.
• He once bought a Tiffany necklace for a girlfriend, but she dumped him before he could give it to her, so he gave it to his sister instead.

Maybe I should be turned off by the gratuitous stories about loving his mom and sister, but it’s honestly pretty endearing. We’ll see if he is actually a sweetheart, or just trying super hard to sound like one.

Brian loves math. He loves math so much that he teaches it at the same high school he attended. Brian is passionate about helping his students achieve their dreams and is hoping this journey will lead him to his dream woman. Does Brian + Hannah = Love?

• Brian was born on Flag Day, so naturally, it’s his favorite holiday!
• Brian is a pun and sarcasm enthusiast.
• Brian loves singing karaoke until he loses his voice.

Me Hmmm… yeah, that logic tracks. I don’t love math and I don’t teach at the high school I attended, so it stands to reason that if you do teach at the high school you attended, you do, in fact, love math. Brian seems cool.

Connor S. is a travel junkie looking for a partner with whom to make lifelong memories. Not only is he easy on the eyes, he considers himself to be a true gentleman. His family is the most important thing to him and finding someone to start a family is high on his priority list. Sounds like he and Hannah could have a lot in common.

• Connor LOVES Justin Bieber.
• He swam competitively in college.
• Even though he doesn’t speak Spanish, he loves listening and dancing to Spanish songs in the clubs.

He swam competitively in college.- Even though he doesn’t speak Spanish, he loves listening and dancing to Spanish songs in the clubs.

We got to see Connor during Colton’s finale, and he is seen admitting that he is falling for Hannah in the teaser. So it’s safe to say that we will see quite a bit of Connor. And I am totally ok with that. I think he is adorable!

Garrett may be a good-looking pro golfer, but he’s really just a humble country boy enjoying life in Alabama. When he’s not practicing his putting on the green, he enjoys going to church, running and drinking beers with his friends. Garrett’s sister-in-law signed him up for “The Bachelorette” because she sees so many similarities between him and Hannah. Only time will tell if this match is a hole-in-one or a total mulligan.

• He once snuck into Mississippi State’s football stadium after hours and made out with his girlfriend on the 50-yard line.
• Garrett says the most romantic city in the world is Savannah, Georgia.

Garrett sounds like the perfect southern boyfriend – golfing, church, and beers. We’ll see if Hannah agrees!

Don’t let Tyler C.’s good looks fool you. This stud has his MBA from Florida Atlantic University and kills it as a general contractor in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida. When he’s not working, he’s spending time with his family, scuba diving and hanging out with his rescue dog, Harley. Tyler’s only been in one serious relationship but says he will know when he meets the right one because that love will “smack him right in the face.”

• Tyler LOVES to dance. He says his friends get embarrassed by how intense he gets on the dance floor, but he doesn’t care.
• Tyler was drafted by the Baltimore Ravens but had to leave football because of a bad shoulder injury.
• Skydiving is at the top of Tyler’s bucket list.

Tyler is a YES from me. So much to unpack.
1. he looks like an Olan Mills portrait of a Southern Baptist Pastor in the 90s (in a good way!).
2. He’s a contractor. Which is a real, normal person job. He’s out there grindin’.
3. Just some pure and sweet honesty about wanting to go skydiving. No secret agenda here!
4. Rescue dog? Yes.
5. He looks exactly like the kind of dude a hot Tuscaloosa girl would end up with.
Now, we didn’t see much of him in the teaser, but that could be a good thing. I bet they didn’t actually show much of the top 2 or 3 to throw us off the scent. OR, he gets sent home night one and I am completely off-base. We’llll seeeeeeeee!!!!!

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