The Bachelorette Finale

This week brought us mostly tears and lies and betrayal.

Part I

We Finally Get to The Dang Rose Ceremony

After 2 weeks of being shown footage from the beginning of this rose ceremony, we finally get down to it. Peter doesn’t get a rose, despite The Windmill, and he and Hannah walk around crying in each other’s arms in assorted locations, and then continue to cry separately once he gets into the van.

They cut to the live audience where we see Peter’s mother tearfully say that watching a child go through something hard is two, nay three times as painful as going through something hard for oneself. She is adorably sad, and it feels a little bit like a plant. Prepping us for Peter as Bachelor, maybe?

Hannah and Peter have a chat on the couch, and Peter asks Hannah a few benign questions like, “you said our relationship was a slow burn, where was that coming from?” and “when did you know it wasn’t us?” Hannah responds sweetly and honestly and gets a little teary talking about how hard it was to send him home. The only thing she can think of that held the relationship back was the fact that Peter seemed to have so much trouble getting to the point of saying he loved her. Peter responds by saying that he wanted to be himself throughout the process, and never wanted to force anything.

Before they part ways, Hannah tells the audience that there is something she hasn’t been fully honest about. Remember the windmill? (Of course you do.) Well, they didn’t just have sex twice. They did it 4 times. Bachelor Nation collectively wondered about the logistics of this for the next 24 hours.

This is a very small space.

Peter’s mom’s tears dry and her face sparkles with joy at the news of her son’s sexual prowess.

Tyler Meets the Fam

We head back to Greece (and back in time), where Tyler is ready to meet Hannah’s family. He tells the camera that her family will be looking to see if he will “bend or break,” because he is incapable of speaking without using some kind of figurative language. I wonder if a witch cursed him in days past, “ye shall only speak in metaphors and figures of speech until ye findeth true love!”

Tyler, unsurprisingly, charms the hell out of both of Hannah’s parents as he says things like, “I want to be her best friend and her biggest cheerleader.” They are both decidedly smitten (as are we all).

At the end of the night, Hannah tells Tyler that she has been trying to figure out if she was falling in love with Tyler or just falling in lust. Thankfully, she decides that it is love (but I imagine also some lust, if we are being honest).

veronica mars wink GIF

Jed Meets the Fam

Hannah’s parents are decidedly not smitten with Jed. Instead of talking about how excited he is to support and love Hannah, Jed rambles on and on to them about his music career.

Hannah, clearly frustrated with the fact that her parenst aren’t aboard the Jed train, asks her dad about it. He answers with the sickest burn I have ever heard in my life, “well, I asked him what his accomplishments are to date, and he said that he is really proud of the dog food commercial he made.” Hannah rolls her eyes in annoyance, but her dad just reiterates that he did, in fact, say that a dog commercial is his proudest achievement. For reference:

At the end of the day, Hannah has yet another hard conversation with Jed. She doesn’t want to delve into her other relationship with Tyler to Jed, but after he presses her, she says that her family day with Tyler was really great, and that the fact that her family hasn’t liked Jed is making her feel confused. He responds with, “I believe in us and, more than that, I believe in you.” Which is a sweet thing to say, but utterly meaningless because Jed is a living, breathing garbage can.

Date With Tyler

Tyler and Hannah go on one last date. Tyler adorably says, “my girl! I missed ya,” and America collectively swoons. For some unknown reason, they force him into another horse date, which he has clearly, verbally stated that he hates.

They have a picnic in a field, make out in a cottage, etc. etc. They have a really nice time together, which doesn’t seem to be Hannah’s thing.

Date with Jed

Hannah and Jed’s last date takes place on a boat, and Hannah immediately gets seasick. Her body is clearly ill from all of the red flags she has been eagerly ignoring.

They don’t have that nice of a time together, which does seem to be Hannah’s thing.

Part II

Night two begins with the usual finale set-up. Hannah pretends to do her makeup for a shot (even though we all know that a glam team already did all of that for her).

These shots of people pretending to get ready always crack me up.

Tyler picks out his Neil Lane ring and chooses one because it is “loud and proud” like Hannah.

Jed choosing a ring that “represents their love because it is an oval shape, which is constant.”

Harry Styles Laughing GIF by Chelsea Handler

Tyler‘s Beautiful and Sad Proposal

Tyler is the first to arrive. They clearly force him to wear socks so that we don’t recognize him immediately from the foot-shot.

Tyler begins his proposal speech, which is, as expected, touching and beautiful:

“Hannah Brown, from the moment I met you, you’ve captivated my soul. I always knew the man I wanted to be, and I knew I’d get there someday, but I didn’t know how. And then I met you, and I realized the man I was meant to be. It took you to push me there. I have grown so much emotionally, spiritually, and so madly in love. I know our love was slow to start, but it is a light that will burn forever, just like the lighthouse we met under in Jupiter, Florida.”

IT’S A LIGHT THAT WILL BURN FOREVER JUST LIKE THE LIGHTHOUSE WE MET UNDER IN JUPITERRRRRR ARE YOU KIDDING ME HOW COULD YOU SEND THIS MAN HOME, HANNAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Season 4 Episode 10 GIF by Friends

She interrupts his speech, and he heartbreakingly asks, “this isn’t it?” He works hard to hold back his tears as they hug and part. It SUCKS.

He tells her that it hurts, but he is still going to be her biggest fan and always root for her.

Jed‘s Stupid Proposal

Jed, a man who admitted to coming on this show to promote his music, who has continued to act like someone who is just trying to promote his music throughout the entirety of the show, somehow has the balls to BRING A GUITAR to this proposal.

Also, why is he carrying it so stupidly.

He sings her an idiotic proposal song that I barely listened to because – A. I do not enjoy Jed’s singing and B. knowing that Jed is a cheaty, lying loser made the entire thing so cringe-worthy.

Hannah, inexplicably, enjoys his song and accepts his proposal.

And Here Is Where Things Got Really Crazy

Immediately following the unpleasant proposal, they cut to Hannah describing how she found out about the fact that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show. He had apparently mentioned to her that there was a girl he had been “hanging out with,” but insisted that he broke things off before leaving for filming. So Hannah was understandably confused when the People Magazine story came out, because the stories were not lining up.

Jed and Hannah meet at a random house, per Bachelor breakup protocol, to hash things out.

Jed insists that he was “very single” when he left for the show. He says he was dating around and sleeping with/hanging out with multiple women. When Hannah asks if he “broke things off” with all of those other women, he immediately backtracks and says “well, I was hanging out with her the most.”

Although he was hanging out with Haley “the most,” he claims that they only hung out a few times. Hannah asks for clarification on what “hanging out a few times” means to Jed and asks him to be completely honest about it. The following is a sequential list of the things Jed did with this woman that he apparently believes qualifies as “hanging out a few times.”

  1. They went to an event with friends together
  2. They had dinner together
  3. They watched a movie at his apartment
  4. Took a vacation to Gatlinburg (alone)
  5. Drove to another city to introduce her to his family
  6. She threw him a surprise birthday party
  7. Her parents gifted them with a trip to the Bahamas together
  8. He told her he loved her

If that ain’t a relationship, I don’t know what on earth is.

Then Hannah says what we were allllll thinking – “no wonder your family was so uncomfortable and skeptical when I met them!”

Episode 12 Abc GIF by The Bachelorette

Hannah is unfazed by Jed’s half-assed, dead-eyed apology. Seriously, he looks like this throughout most of the conversation:

He can barely get through the apology without lying, and it becomes pretty clear that if she is wanting an honest life partner, this dude is never going to be it. She rightly feels like the whole experience of being the Bachelorette and getting engaged was taken from her. She removes her ring and ends it.

After The Final Rose

They cut to Hannah on the couch in front of the live audience. Chris Harrison asks her a few question about the breakup as she works hard to hold back tears. The audience claps and cheers with joy at multiple points, while Hannah’s face contorts with pain and sadness. It was a weird contrast, and a reminder that the people on this show are real human beings with real feelings, despite the manufactured nature of the situations they are placed in.

Jed comes out and apologizes again. It is uninteresting.

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days now, and I cannot decide who is worse – Jed or Luke. I never thought I would think Jed was worse than Luke, but WOW, he really brought it with the d-bag behavior. What do you think?

Then Tyler Makes His Appearance

Chris asks Hannah about her feelings for Tyler. She says that her feelings have not gone away, and giggles nervously.

Tyler joins her on the couch, and she continues giggling like a school girl. I’m not even sure what they said for the first part of the conversation because the tension was so palpable, I was just squirming in my seat with anticipation. Hannah eventually works up the nerve to ask him out for a drink.

Tyler says that he would love to get a drink. But! He is a super sweet angel of a human being, and I don’t believe he would embarrass Hannah with a public rejection. I am very torn between hoping that they will get together and believing that Tyler is ready to move on. This is what he posted on Instagram the next day:

What do you think?

And so, in conclusion, our hero of the hour, Hannah, ends her season of the Bachelor with no mans.

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Some tweets that made me laugh

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