The Bachelor Premiere Recap (Plus Charts and Power Rankings)

The Bachelor Season 24 is here! There is drama. There are tears. There are innumerable windmill and pilot references. But, you ask, where are the charts? Where is THE DATA???

I GOT YOU. I am always here to bring that unnecessary data/chart heat to frivolous topics!

I present to you a collection of pie charts reflecting the breakdown of a few aspects of the contestants – hair color, location, age, and profession. I will update the charts each week as Peter sends women home, and I’m sure we will learn absolutely nothing from this information. You’re welcome!

Here we have the entire pool of contestants:

Then after the first round of send-homes:

So far, all we have learned is that Peter is not interested in dating a flight attendant (been there, done that, I assume?) and that he lovesssss the southern girls. Now that we’ve gotten the analytics out of the way, let’s get into the episode!

Night One – Too Many Vagina Jokes

The premiere started in the usual way – intro packages and women pulling up to the mansion in limos.

The best gimmicky entrance was Jenna, who brought Ashley P., the emotional support cow.

The worst gimmicky entrance was Katrina BY A LANDSLIDE. This girl walked up to our boy Peter and said “you’re going to fall in love with my hairless pussy…

…. cat”

And, here’s the thing, it was deeply upsetting to think that she was talking about her vagina. But when she revealed that she was actually talking about Jasmine, her hairless cat, it wasn’t much less upsetting. Cats are generally jerks that spend most of their time completely ignoring or plotting to torment their loving caretakers. But they are fuzzy and soft and cute, which is (I assume) why people continue to pet-parent such creatures. But what do you get when you take away the cuddly-ness of a cat?

THIS:

No, thank you!

Disclaimer for my cat people – I would be equally, maybe even more disgusted by a hairless dog. I am against all hairless pets. I understand that they may be convenient for people with allergies, but there are other ways around that problem.

Sadly, this was not the only vagina joke made during the evening. Victoria F opened up with “I have a really dry sense of humor… but that’s about the only thing that’s dry.”

This joke was awful, but what made me truly hate it is that the fact that she basically choked and delivered it so poorly that I almost didn’t even understand what she said. If you are going to make an unbearable joke about your not-dry vagina, at least commit to it. Oy.

The last woman to get out of a limo is Hannah Brown, who is there to return the wings Peter gave her so that he can pass them on to another love. My eyeballs were on standby to roll dramatically into the back of my head, but the interaction ended up being really sweet.

The rest of the night was the usual stuff, painfully cringey “steal you away” moments, lots of “my grandparents have been together for ten thousand years!” stories, etc., etc., etc.

At the end of the night, Peter sends 8 ladies packing (I will start the obits next week — there was no way I was going to write 8 obits for women we saw onscreen for a combined 2 minutes):

Megan, Maurissa, Avonlea, Jade, Jenna, Katrina, Eunice, Kylie

The First Group Date – Flight School

Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, Victoria F.

The ladies head to an airplane hangar where they compete in a series of flight school tests for some alone time with Peter. Part of the test is a spin on a gyroscope, which triggers Victoria P’s Post Traumatic Spinning Teacup Disorder. Apparently throwing up sucks and I don’t want to do it isn’t enough of a reason to dread the gyroscope – they had to really up the stakes with a childhood trauma to get us truly invested in Victoria’s vomit story-line. Victoria pushes past the flashbacks and takes her turn on the gyroscope, then runs to the bathroom for a quick puke. Peter runs after her to bring her a bottle of water, and she says that he is very sweet and no one has ever treated her so well, which is VERY SAD.

The last part of the contest is an obstacle course that ends with a tricycle ride around some cones. Kelley and Tammy are in front, racing toward the finish line, when Kelley forgoes the correct course layout and just bee-lines for the finish line.

Tammy is displeased.

Yes, she really did throw up again.

One-on-One Date – The Vow Renewal

Madison is the recipient of the first one-on-one of the season, and it is a strange one. Peter takes Madison to his parents’ house, where they are having a vow renewal ceremony in the back yard. Bringing a woman that you met literally yesterday to a family event like this is… really something. Maybe the whole things was staged for the show?

After the ceremony, Peter and Madison have dinner together and enjoy the first mini-concert of the season.  

Group Date – Windmill Tales

Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, Savannah

The second group date features another appearance by Hannah Brown, who starts things off by telling all of the women who are there to try and marry Peter how much sex she has had with him. They love it!

Not Funny GIF

She tells them that they will each get up on stage to share a story of their choosing about sex, and sends them off to start working on their sex presentations.

Meanwhile, Peter is sent walks backstage to find Hannah crying on a green room couch. Peter says that part of him wished that Hannah was coming to join the house when she got out of limo to give him his wings the day before. She admits that there is still something between them, and that she sent him home third on her season to make it easier to pick Jed, whom she considered the safe choice (which is hilarious in hindsight). He wishes that she had reached out to him, but she didn’t because she assumed he wanted to be The Bachelor. She wishes he had reached out to her, but he didn’t because she, you know, broke up with him on national television. He tells her that if she had contacted him sooner, he would have been completely open to rekindling things with her. The episode ends on a cliffhanger with Peter asking Hannah if she wants to join the house, and Hannah answering, “maybe?” She is obviously not going to, considering she went on to win Dancing with the Stars, but I am interested to see how the rest of their conversation plays out next week.

Power Rankings

These rankings are not a reflection of who I like best or who I think is the best match for Peter. They are based solely on who seems to have the most strength as a competitor each week.

#1 Kelley

Kelley definitely had a head start in this race, as we learn that she and Peter have met before. About a month before filming, Peter and Kelley met at a hotel where they were each attending different events. Based on the way Peter lit up when she got out of the limo, and the comfortable physicality that they had, I feel like they may have hooked up during this encounter. Whether that happened or not, Peter is clearly interested in Kelley and excited that she is there. Side note: he keeps telling her “I was hoping you’d stop by.” Does he know how this show works? These women cannot stop by, they are essentially imprisoned.

#2 Madison

Peter obviously feels an attraction to Madison, since she got the first one-on-one date. They seemed to really enjoy each other on their date, and had a natural rhythm in conversation. Also, she is kind of like Hannah Brown Lite. I predict a long run for her.

#3 Victoria P

Peter and Victoria had a couple of really sweet moments together. He really appreciated that she participated in the gyroscope portion of the date, despite knowing that she would probably throw up. The night before, Victoria mentioned to Peter that she has never been given flowers before. Later in the date, Peter remembers this, and runs off to pick some flowers to bring back to her. It was pretty precious. She seemed disappointed that she didn’t get the date rose, but there is definitely a connection between them.

#4 Hannah Ann

Hannah Ann is kind of insufferable, but she got the first impression rose anyway. Probably because she stole Peter away to make out with his face approximately 8 times.

#5 Hannah Brown

Hannah may not be an official contestant, but she is still making it into the power rankings this week. I mean, Peter is funneling all of his emotional energy into working through his feelings for her rather than putting that energy into getting to know the other women. He claimed at the beginning of the episode to be completely over her, but that is quite clearly not the case.

See you guys next week!

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