This week brought us crying (so much crying), Lift & Snogs™, #champagnegate, and alllll the drama. Let’s get into the episode!
We begin on the green room couch with Peter and Hannah and, by this point, Peter is actually being pretty clear with Hannah. He tells her that he still has feelings for her, but wants to be with someone whose feelings are as strong as his own, and he wonders if Hannah is suffering more from regret than from truly missing him. He defends himself from her earlier pressing that she wishes he had contacted her after the show saying, “you are the one who said no to me — I never said no to you.”
Oh, also, Hannah’s face was clean? Where did the mascara go? Was a producer like “hey, you look kinda crazy, why don’t you take a minute, here is a makeup wipe?” The world may never know.
Peter tells Hannah he needs to get back to his date, and she asks if she can hug him. He concedes, and she climbs fully into his lap, which I was under the impression was an entirely different thing than a hug. But what do I know? I guess a lap hug is Hannah’s breakup equivalent of a straddle?
Side note: I absolutely love Hannah Brown, but she is definitely giving off some Ann Perkins vibes. Parks & Rec people, y’all know exactly what I mean.
When Peter leaves Hannah behind in the green room, he wonders if he is really ready to move on and find true love. “I’m really scared that I’m not where I need to be right now,” he says, while looking absolutely shook. He returns to the date and tells the women that he is not in a good mental space to listen to them tell hilarious sex stories. He abandons this portion of the date, and tells them he will see them at the after party. He says that he is sorry, but his feelings for Hannah haven’t just magically gone away. Natasha responds with, “Well… SHE hasn’t gone away. Ever day that I’ve seen you, I’ve seen her, which also sucks for us.” The rest of the girls are various shades of upset.
I can’t decide if it would have made for really good or really bad TV to watch Peter fake laugh with tears behind his eyes while a bunch of women embarrass themselves onstage.
Later, when the daters reconvene, Natasha goes on and on about how upset she is to the other girls. It’s a bit much, but when she gets some alone time with Peter, he doesn’t seem bothered by it. He tells her that he was really drawn to her honesty and the fact that she spoke out in frustration when the other women seemed to be holding back. Related: if you are interested in this kind of thing, there is a hilarious theory on this Reddit thread about Natasha.
He spends some time with Mykenna, and they “dance,” which is just them grinding their bodies together with no musical accompaniment. Peter also puts some work in on his signature move, the Lift & Snog™. It goes as expected:
Sydney gets the date night rose (full disclosure, I completely zoned out when he was talking to her, so I have no idea why).
Cocktail Party – #champagnegate
The central storyline of this episode – #champagnegate – starts with Kelsey regaling a few of the women with the thrilling tale of how she has had a bottle of champagne sitting on her counter for the past year, waiting for a special occasion. She brought this bottle with her to the show, and it is EXTREMELY special to her because she has HAD IT FOR A WHOLE YEAR. It’s just like her most treasured possession ever and she can’t wait to share it with Peter, the love of her life.
She tries to get time with him to share her special libation, but Mykenna steals him away. Instead of waiting patiently to snag him right after Mykenna, she waits patiently to confront Mykenna in a tearful rage. Once she has that out of her system, she works her nerve back up to go find Peter when we hear… the pop of a champagne bottle. Kelsey immediately starts crying again before she even has a chance to see what’s going on, and walks to her champagne set-up to find Hannah Ann sharing the champagne with Peter. “EXCUSE ME,” she shouts, her tears turning to sobs as she runs off to a bathroom to have a full-blown meltdown. She scream-sobs, “I don’t want to be that girl!”
When Kelsey leaves the bathroom, she unleashes on Hannah Ann. “I BROUGHT THIS BOTTLE FROM DES MOINES, DON’T TRY TO PLAY DUMB!” Hannah Ann stares at her blankly and gives some sort of half-assed “I’m sorry you feel that way” kind of apology.
There is a whole explanation about how there was a champagne mix-up, which is 100% a cover-up from producers to hide the fact that they sent Hannah Ann to Kelsey’s champagne to manufacture this drama. So Kelsey is sent to another location with a fresh bottle of champagne to share with Peter. She dries her tears and gets ready for her big moment, but things only go downhill from here despite already being 1,000 feet below sea level. When they reach the champagne, she knocks the bottle dramatically over, then in an effort to seem cool says, “I’m not always a classy bitch,” and drinks straight from the bottle, resulting in:
Sorry to Kelsey, but this is one of the funniest sequences of events I have ever seen. I mean, just a really rough night for Kelsey. But at least she has a sense of humor about herself.
At the end of the night, Peter sends home Lauren, Payton, and Courtney.
Group Date – Battle of the Runway
Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F, Kelsey, Hannah Ann
This date is hosted by Carson Kressley, Janice Dickerson, and Raissa Gerona, who collectively got WAY too little screen time. The girls are tasked with choosing two outfits, a daytime and evening look, to show off on a runway. The winner will get time with Peter, of course, but also will win $20,000 worth of clothes.
Victoria is in tears because she is so shy, guys. She is very nervous that she won’t be able to stand out among the others and get Peter’s attention. Quick reminder that this is the girl who made a joke about her not-dry vagina the first time she met Peter. She also shows no sign whatsoever of being uncomfortable when she is actually on the runway. For her evening look, she comes out in a trenchcoat, pulling it off to reveal lingerie, and beckons to Peter to come onto the runway to make out with her. #shygirl
Victoria F and Hannah Ann (who wore a wedding gown for her evening look) are the final two, and strut down the runway together in a head-to-head to decide the winner. Hannah Ann wins it because:
When Victoria F loses, she crumbles into a sobby puddle. She says “I didn’t even care about the clothes,” which means she is either a liar or rich enough to drop $20,000 dollars on clothes herself at any given time.
Later in the evening, when Peter tells her she did a great job, she just stares at the ground sadly with her ginormous eyes and goes on and on about how she doesn’t know if she is cut out for this process. It is clearly a test to see if he will beg her to stick around. He does, and she does.
Hannah Ann, not content with her landslide victories so far in this episodes, tells Peter that Kelsey was bullying her about #champagnegate. It’s another test of loyalty, and Peter responds exactly how Hannah Ann hopes – offering her sympathy and confronting Kelsey without really giving her any kind of chance to defend herself. The Law of Bachelor Contestant Conflict states that whichever contestant the Bachelor/ette is most attracted to will always be seen as the victim of drama, regardless of any concept of reality.
Week 2 Power Rankings
#1 Hannah Ann
Hannah Ann works her way to the #1 spot this week as she takes down multiple women in head to head battles. First was Kelsey, whom she soundly bested in the Champagne Wars, then Victoria F whom she trounced in the Battle of the Runway.
#2 Victoria F
Despite being taken down in the Battle of the Runway, Victoria F had a huge win this week. She successfully sucked Peter into an emotional black hole with her and made it back out on the other side with a group date rose.
#3 Madison
Madison falls 2 spots, but still keeps her place in the top 5. Peter tells her that it feels like they have been dating for years, and gives her a dorky gift of a framed photo of her with his family. There was also a lot of giggling and nuzzling happening, showing that Peter definitely has a crush.
#4 Lexi
Lexi makes her way into this week’s rankings by being absolutely cool and chill. She and Peter sit down for a chat, and he asks her to remind him of her entrance night one. Most of these girls would have lost all sense of self worth at the idea that he didn’t remember their entrance, but Lexi doesn’t bat an eye and gently reminds him of the red corvette. She is rewarded by a toy red car he had in his pocket for her, because of course he remembers. It was so hawt. She also tells him that she totally understood his need to take a step back after seeing Hannah, because she, too would have been shook if she randomly had to interact with an ex. We stan a chill queen.
#5 Mykenna
Mykenna is basically in the top 5 because she was this week’s recipient of the Lift & Snog.
Week 2 – Who Went Home
Hopefully this section will get more interesting next week, but we are still in the “who even is that” zone of send homes.
Lauren
Payton
Courtney
Our weekly chart reveals a continued heavy presence of southerners, an almost evening out of hair colors, and a wide range of ages and professions.
WILL IT LAST? 