This week brought us feuding, “finascos,” second-rate romantic speeches, and enough human tears to drown a man. Let’s get into it!
You know that thing where it’s late at night, and you’re very, very upset about something that feels so crucial, but then you get a good night’s sleep and wake up the next morning with a fresh perspective, wondering why you were ever that upset about something that seems silly in hindsight? Well, that is not what happened here. It appears that Kelsey and Hannah Ann got that night of sleep, but woke up the next morning to immediately start crying and arguing about champagne again.
The two of them have yet another hamster wheel conversation, I guess in an attempt to reconcile, but it goes nowhere. Hannah Ann sobs, “I would never steal a champagne” and “I’M NOT A CHAMPAGNE STEALER,” a phrase that she uses approximately 6,000 times.
On the one hand, Kelsey is right to be upset that Hannah Ann planted the idea that she is a bully in Peter’s head. On the other hand, I absolutely don’t care and hope and pray this is the last we ever hear about #champagnegate.
One-on-One – Victoria P & Peter Go Dancin’
This week’s one-on-one date goes to Victoria P, and her and Peter head to a bar to do some line dancing. Afterward, the pretend to eat dinner in an airplane hangar (OMG, WE GET IT, PETER’S A PILOT) where Peter gives a speech about the time he prayed that God would look over his future wife and then saw a shooting star immediately after. This is romantic for Victoria P because… I don’t know? I mean, Peter is no Tyler Cameron.
Lest we forget – a sampling of Tyler Cameron’s romantic speeches:
“You came out, and you were wearing all white, and you looked heaven-sent. You looked like an angel. I pray to God that you’re my angel. And later on, you held it down with all of us. You stood there and fought. You had this look where you were all business, and I thought, ‘that’s what I want, I want that.’ You’re going to have kids and things that you have to stand up and fight for. Where did this fighter come from? Because I adore it.”
“I don’t want the best Hannah, I want the real Hannah. I’ll take you any way I can get you.”
“I know our love was slow to start, but it is a light that will burn forever, just like the lighthouse we met under in Jupiter, Florida.”
Victoria shares her family story with Peter (which, if you’ve forgotten, involves the death of her father and addiction of her mother), and he responds by breathing into her face and saying “I’m so sorry to hear that,” because he is an incredible conversationalist.
Group Date: Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club
Alayah, Kelley, Kiarra, Sarah, Savannah, Shiann, Sydney, Tammy
Demi shows up at the mansion with her “henchwomen,” Champagne and Killer. They violently wake the girls up with pillows to the face and tell them to start getting ready for their date. They are each given sleepwear that ranges from sexy lingerie (or linger-ee as some apparently call it) to baggy muumuus. They are taken to a fighting ring where they are pitted against each other in head-to-head fights. (Reading this back, it sounds like a horror film.)
Sydney and Alayah’s are chosen as the final two fighters based on what is obviously the producer’s desire to drum up drama and nothing to do with any actual fighting skills. Alayah wins the match by sitting on Sydney, and Sydney is supes bitter about it. She describes it as “an elephant sitting on a rat,” which was hilarious to me because (A.) Is she calling Alayah, a very obviously thin woman (I mean she is on this show, there is only one body type represented on the bachelor), FAT? (B.) Is she calling herself a rat? Rats are… not cool or good.
This sets off an incredible string of interactions completely focused on whether or not Alayah is “being fake,” which is somehow being treated as a heinous crime in a world full Instagram influencers and aspiring Instagram influencers. #genuineandreal
(1) Sydney passive-aggressively comes at Alayah, asking questions like “do you, like, work… at all?” and trying to trap her into admitting that she is “being fake.” Alayah turns to ice, and you can feel deep in your soul that both women become intent on destroying each other.
(2) Sydney talks to Peter and, instead of connecting with him, spends the entire conversation dropping hints that someone is being “fake” (I have said the word “fake” inside my head so many times now that I’m not even sure it is a real word anymore), practically begging for him to ask for specifics. He does not (yet).
(3) Peter puts Sydney on blast, asking her to reveal who she thinks is fake in front of the entire group date. She names Alayah. Peter is visibly upset and storms off. This is where the Law of Bachelor Contestant Conflict (which I explained last week as stating that whichever contestant the Bachelor/ette is most attracted to will always be seen as the victim of drama, regardless of any concept of reality) becomes a real problem. See, I believe he was expecting Sydney to call someone out that he was less attracted to, then he would just simply send this women home. BUT. GUYS. He is attracted to BOTH SYDNEY AND ALAYAH! What’s a man to do? “My heart is saying one thing, but my head is like ‘STOP IT,'” he says, and I think we all know which ‘heart’ he is referring to. It’s just a huge dilemma because everyone knows if you are attracted to someone, that implies inherent goodness which cannot be questioned.
(4) Alayah angrily confronts Sydney, who stands her ground.
(5) Alayah finds Peter and pairs her sexy baby voice with childish confusion (I’m just so confuuuused!! I don’t have any idea what she is talking about!) and it absolutely works.
(6) Peter heads back to the group, and somehow thinks it’s a good idea to give Sydney the date rose.
(7) The next day at the pool party that Peter is determined to ruin, he pulls Sydney aside to bring this drama up again, saying nothing important or helpful.
(8) Peter asks Kelsey if Alayah is being fake; she says yes.
(9) Peter asks Natasha if Alayah is being fake; she says yes.
(10) Peter asks Lexi if Alayah is being fake; she says yes.
(11) Alayah pulls Sydney aside to fight about it more, and Sydney continues to ask her brutally rude questions like, “do you even have feelings?”
(12) Alayah, inspired by this question, pulls Peter aside to make sure that he know that she does, in fact, have feelings and that they are NOT FAKE because you can’t fake feelings. Furthermore, she is actually the worst liar ever, I mean, she couldn’t even lie if she wanted to, she would disappear into a puff of smoke or something. And because she uses her sexy baby voice to tell him this, and Peter is thinking with his “heart” instead of his head, he tells her, “I believe you!”
(13) Peter decides to get one final opinion and asks Victoria P if Alayah is being fake. In a clear act of self-preservation, she tells him she knew Alayah from the pageant world, and Alayah asked her to lie to producers about it. She says they only spent max 3 hours total together, mostly backstage at pageants.
(14) Peter asks Alayah if she has been manipulative with the other women. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I’M SO CONFUSED I WOULD NEVER” Alayah says, her voice rising higher and higher in octave until it is barely audible to the human ear.
But she concedes that she knew Victoria beforehand, saying that they were super good friends (I guess those collective 3 hours were really amazing) and she only asked her to lie because she was worried that it would keep them both from getting on the show. Peter is less convinced this time, and leaves Alayah in a heap to cry, “I just feel so WEAK!” (literally. She literally said that aloud).
Peter then abandons the pool party because he is “emotional and confused,” leaving the rest of the girls upset that they didn’t get a chance to spend time with him. And they are absolutely right; it’s a crappy move. Peter needs to work on managing those big feelings. I really hope this is the last time he cancels a fun event because he is upset.
At the rose ceremony, Peter sends home Alexa, Jasmine, Sarah, and Alayah. He is immediately regretful that he sent her home, because… I don’t even know. Remember how Ben told his final 2 that he was in love with them and it was a whole thing? I’m starting to feel like Peter may tell 6 to 10 women that he is in love with them before this thing is over.
Ranking Last Week – Not Ranked
Victoria P is on top this week. Peter seemed really smitten on their date, even telling his vague and strange story about the shooting star to her, which felt like a very half-hearted admission that she is a front-runner for him. And, after hearing Sydney go on and on about Alayah, and asking for a variety of girl’s opinions on the matter – it seemed like Victoria’s story about knowing her beforehand was the final nail in Alayah’s coffin.
Ranking Last Week – Not Ranked
Sydney is at the top of the pack this week because she successfully (for now!) trounced her arch-nemesis, Alayah. Although, I don’t think being so deeply entrenched in this kind of drama will work out well for her in the long run.
Ranking Last Week – #3
Madison hasn’t had a ton of screen time since episode 1, presumably because she is keeping her nose out of the drama. But each week we have been reminded that her and Peter have a connection, as we listen to them have a very boring conversation about the fact that they have a connection. Not getting a lot of screen time, but getting little reminders each week that she exists, bodes well for Madison’s longevity on the show based on editing in prior seasons.
Ranking Last Week – #1
Hannah Ann drops in the rankings a little this week simply because we didn’t see much of her. But Peter is very clearly into her, so she remains among the ranked!
Ranking Last Week- Not Ranked
Kelley moves her way back into the rankings this week due to seemingly steady affection from Peter and her ability to steer clear of the drama. She seems leaps and bounds above most of the other women in terms of maturity, and she is giving us some killer reaction shots.
Who got sent home:
Alayah played hard defense against Sydney’s offense, but it wasn’t enough to keep her alive. But, don’t fret – next week’s promo shows us that she will be back.
Alexa got very little screen time, which is sad because she seems super cool, and definitely had the best hair of anyone in the house. Hoping we see her in paradise!
Jasmine seemed normal and cool. Apparently normal and cool is not Peter’s type.
See you guys next week!
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