Aladdin & Jasmine

To celebrate the premiere of the live-action Aladdin remake/movie/monstrosity, let’s talk about Jazzy &Al’s™ love story! (Disclaimer: it’s totally cool if you see the Aladdin live-action movie and like it. Heck, I may even see it and like it. But, based on A) the clips that have been released, and B) the previous Disney live action remakes, I have a feeling that this movie is not going to be my jam.)

I mean… what is happening.

Aladdin – The Sexy Juvenile Delinquent

Aladdin was a scavenging “street rat” who was accompanied at all times by a pet monkey (Abu) and who literally had to steal for his supper. He made a big effort to convince everyone (and maybe himself) that he’s “gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat,” but let’s be real – this dude LOVED stealing. He was very good at it and seemed to love the thrill of being chased by the fuzz and getting away with petty crimes. But! he shared his stolen bread with children, so that makes him morally upstanding, I guess?

We all know he just got away with things because he was hot.

Jasmine – The Privileged And Naive Fancy-Pants

Jasmine was a sassy and independent (as independent as a someone who has been imprisoned in her own home her entire life can be) princess who was accompanied by a pet tiger (Rajah) and was a total romantic. Before meeting Aladdin, she was in the process of choosing a husband (or staunchly refusing to), which the law dictated must be a prince. But prince after prince had left her unimpressed, and she was insistent that she wanted to marry for love.

The Meet Cute

Tired of the string of unlovable princes and feeling cooped up in the palace, Jazzy decided to take a field trip out into the streets to see how the other half (and by half, I mean 99.9%) lived. She put on her best and strongest disguise, which was just a hooded cape over her usual fancy princess outfit, jewelry, and crown.

Maybe the crown is physically a part of her head that she cannot remove?

Jasmine, who apparently didn’t understand the concept of economic trade (this woman is supposed to be the queen of Agrabah one day?*), picked up an apple from an apple cart and handed it to a small child. The middle management of said apple cart attempts to chop off her hand (this is a movie for children!), but is stopped by Aladdin. Al pretends that Jazzy is his “crazy” sister, which somehow worked? Meanwhile, Abu worked on stealing more apples while the apple cart manager was distracted. It’s The Great Apple Heist of 800 CE! Abu dropped one and made a scene, causing Aladdin and Jasmine to have to run for their lives. (I offer this part of the story as evidence that the man loves thievin. He could have just saved a beautiful woman’s life and moved on with his day, but NO, he just had to stage The Great Apple Heist of 800 CE.

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*Why is Jasmine’s dad called the “Sultan” but she is called a “Princess” and not a “sultana” or “shehzadi?”

Having once again escaped the consequences of his actions, Al took Jazzy back to his crib, which she seemed to think was a super fine and safe thing to do. They chatted for a few and connected over their similar perspectives on life – Al is whiny because he doesn’t live in a palace, and Jazzy is even whinier because she does live in a palace.

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But just as they were about to kiss, some guards busted into the place. Al asked Jazzy to trust him as he yanked her out of a fourthish story window, which she did completely, for no reason whatsoever. But the guards caught up, and Jazzy pulled off her incredibly convincing disguise, demanding that the guards let them go. Although she was free to to return to the castle, they took Al off to jail.

The Meet Cute Part II

When Jasmine asked about Aladdin’s fate, she was told that he had been beheaded (this is a movie for children!) by Jafar, the Vizier. She was lightly and appropriately sad for the loss of a dude she knew for 5 minutes, but maybe not quite sad enough for having essentially gotten someone beheaded because of her escapade.

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Meanwhile, Al was not in fact headless, and went through a sequence of events that resulted in his possession of a lamp+genie and a magic carpet (It’s a long story! This is not why we are here!). Al was still super sprung on Jazzy, so he asked the Genie to hook them up. Although Genie couldn’t make people fall in love, he agreed to make Al into a prince. Genie changed Abu into an elephant, dressed Al in some fancy clothes, and otherwise did not do anything that seemed to actually turn Al into a prince in any real sense. But Al was satisfied, and off he went to the palace to woo Princess Jasmine.

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Fancy clothes (and an elephant) are all it takes to make a prince, apparently!

It took a minute for ole’ Jazzy to warm up, but she suspected Al to be her street rat thirst trap, so she gave him a chance. Jazzy &Al™ went on a world tour for their first real date and enjoyed activities like destroying important historical landmarks and defying the laws of physics. Jazzy pretty quickly called him out as her previously-believed-to-be-beheaded* slum date, but instead of copping up to his real identity, he claimed to be a true prince (OF WHERE??) and that he was just out slummin it that day like Jazzy. The lie-filled date ends with a kiss, and Jazzy & Al are both smitten.

*Why does she not ask him how he still has a head???

Here’s where things get complicated. There is some stuff with Jafar, he gets the Genie and tries to take over Agrabah… tries to kill Aladdin… makes Jasmine a sex slave (this is a movie for children!), etc. During all of this palace drama, Aladdin is outed as the noble, child-feeding ruffian, and Jafar is defeated.

Jazzy &Al™ stuck together through it all, but were stopped short by the “must be married to a prince” law. Jasmine’s dad, the Sultan, seeing that they were in love, declared the law to be invalid. Apparently that’s something he could have done at any point in time, which would have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Happily Ever After

Jazzy &Al™ were eventually happily married, and I’m sure the common people loved having one of their own up in the palace. Like how excited we get when someone from our hometown is on American Idol or the Bachelor.

Where Do They Rank?

So how do Jazzy &Al™ measure up to other Disney movie couples? Let’s rank them according to a few criteria:

Physical Attractiveness — 10/10

I think we can all agree that Aladdin and Jasmine are both really hot. I’m sure many a young girl had a sexual awakening while watching Aladdin. (Don’t act like you aren’t attracted to cartoon characters. This is a safe place. We can be honest here.)

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Chemistry — 10/10

I think Jazzy &Al™ might have some of the strongest chemistry of any Disney movie couple, so I’m going full 10/10. These people are thirsty for each other.

Believably — 5/10

Despite the highly believable chemistry, the story line is a little far-fetched. They fall in love really fast (what is this, The Bachelor/ette?) without knowing much of anything about each other. Then they somehow make it through the most dramatic coup of all time and multiple murder attempts to finally be together. It’s all a bit much.

Relationship Health — 3/10

This is where this pairing really falls flat. Approx 80% of the words that come out of Aladdin’s mouth are lies, and Jasmine naively believes most of it. The movie works hard to convince the viewer that Aladdin is a really good person at heart, but realistically, there are some major red flags. If a man you met 5 minutes ago asks you if you trust him, the answer should be no. If your man lies to you about who he is for a long period of time, constantly thinking up new lies to hold up the originally lie – red flag. Oh, and if your man’s favorite pastime is stealing stuff? Maybe think twice before putting that ring on.

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