This week’s episode of The Bachelorette brought a barrage of unpleasantness – a disappointed Hannah crying and feeling hopeless, a 40-minute recap of the actual show we were in the middle of watching, and just so so so much Luke P. I think this episode will go down in history as one of the worst of all time.
Luke Is Still a Dirtbag and I Don’t Even Have the Energy to Make This Heading Interesting This Week
I’m so tired of talking about this. I am WEARY.
The episode started where we left of last week – the end of Hannah’s date with Luke. Hannah told Luke that she would not give him a rose. He asked, “is this it? Does this mean I’m going home?” The answer was “yes,” and Hannah asked him to respect her decision. Bachelor Nation let out a collective celebratory cheer!
Luke walked away from the date and into the woods, presumably to return to his goblin cave, but turned on his heel and marched back to Hannah to beg for another chance, because respecting Hannah’s decisions is just not his jam.
With dead, vacant eyes and a voice completely lacking in sincerity or emotion, Luke shouted at Hannah, “I WANT TO MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU,” and other such nonsense. This somehow did the trick, and Hannah decided to give him another chance. Bachelor Nation let out a collective despairing existential scream.
Garrett, who had warned Luke to “keep our names out of your mouth” as he left for the date, had apparently been sitting on the couch awaiting his return in order to check receipts on this request. He quickly took Hannah aside to ask if he had mentioned anyone, and when she told him that he had, rushed back into the collective hangout room to pointlessly confront Luke about it.
It quickly devolved into the bickering that has come to be the centerpiece of this season, and Hannah was OVER IT. She busted into the room and gave a little speech telling everyone to worry about themselves and stop obsessing over Luke. They stared at her with glazed eyes and immediately resumed bickering upon her departure.
As Hannah listened to them completely ignore her speech and continue to have the exact same argument, her mood elevated from annoyed to furious. She chugged her champagne and re-entered the room for a more strongly worded speech.
This time around, Hannah did not hold back. A few highlights of her speech:
“None of you know anything about me and what makes me me. None of you have even asked because all we talk about is stupid shit.”
“Everybody thinks it’s just Luke that’s making me feel freaking psycho and irritated right now – it’s all of you. It’s truly all of you that make me feel this way. “
“Stop the focus on him — because I can figure that out for myself. Focus on me, and know that I am a grown-ass woman and I can decide if I want to spend my time figuring all of this out or if I don’t.”
Luke, in an effort to stay on-brand, tried to interrupt her during this speech. She responded as follows:
Hannah then left the room and collapsed tearfully into Chris Harrison’s robot arms.
My take on Hannah’s speech:
A. I love the line, “all we talk about is stupid shit.” That basically sums up this entire show.
B. She is right about a lot of things. Regardless of Luke’s behavior, it is her choice and her prerogative to deal with him as she likes. She is, in fact, a “grown-ass woman” and doesn’t need a bunch of man-boys to try and control who she does or doesn’t keep around. Here’s the thing – her judgement when it comes to Luke is bad. But I totally understand her desire for the guys to respect it anyway.
C. These boys are not all making her feel Freaking-Psycho-and-Irritated. Grant, maybe. And maybe a couple of other guys who can’t keep their hands out of the drama jar. But at the end of the day, Luke is the cause of almost all of this grief. Every single conflict on the show has involved Luke, with the exception of Kevin throwing chicken nuggets at Cam, but that was hilarious. She said herself, last week, that she couldn’t help but notice how fun and peaceful the group date was without Luke around. It’s hard to watch her try and defend him from the guys and to herself every week (but, seriously, no judgement — let she who has not had an irrational crush on a toxic dirtbag cast the first stone).
ABC Laughs Maniacally Whilst We Suffer
What followed was something so heinously boring and strange, I still can’t believe I sat through it.
First, we got 20 minutes of Hannah sitting in a cafe talking to Chris Harrison about how challenging “the process” has been and how she is not sure if it’s going to work out for her or not.
Then, Chris Harrison looked us straight in our stupid faces and told us that, in order to continue with the season, we just had to hear more from Hannah about what’s been going on. He sat her down (back at the Bachelor mansion, so clearly this was filmed later) and asked her a couple of vague questions, which were inter-cut with footage from her angry speeches to the guys… which we had just seen MERE MINUTES before. Somehow as things went on, it was less and less of Hannah talking about anything and more and more random clips from the season. It was essentially a clip show, and it last for FORTY MINUTES. Yes, there were a couple of scenes that we hadn’t seen before, but I have absolutely not been chomping at the bit to see Jonathan utterly and painfully fail at having any game and unsuccessfully try and kiss a completely disgusted and disinterested Hannah.
Did they really think we wanted this? Or do they just know that we aren’t going anywhere and they can get away with anything at this point? Are they just toying with us?
Speaking of toying with us, the last few minutes of the show were dedicated to a look into the crystal ball of Luke’s future.
We got to watch him say some wildly hypocritical stuff about sex to Hannah, followed by her chewing him out and sending him off in a van. So, at least we know he will go home eventually, right? Wait… we did just watch her send him home this episode, only to have him return within minutes. Maybe we are the ones being gaslit (gaslighted?) now. Luke -> Hannah = ABC -> All of us.
Who am I kidding. We have known that this show feeds off our communal pain for years now, yet here we still are.
So Many Good, Good Boys That We Don’t Get To See
There is not much else to say because nothing else happened. Just obnoxious Luke garbage followed by a recap of obnoxious Luke garbage.
The worst part about the show’s Luke obsession is the fact that we got almost no screen time with the guys that we actually enjoy watching on screen.
For example, Tyler (who had kept his beautiful mouth shut up until this point), following Hannah’s meltdown speech, gave his own little pep talk to the guys. He said, “we are messing this up completely,” as if they were all one collective boyfriend to Hannah, and it was adorable. MORE TYLER CONTENT, PLEASE.
Who Went Home This Week
Luke did end up getting a rose at the ceremony, but these guys didn’t: