The kids are in The Netherlands this week, and things are getting intense. This episode brought us art-induced weeping, heel clicking, and a return to the food fights of yore (chicken nuggets being exchanged for bologna). Let’s talk about it!
Jed and Hannah Explore Amsterdam
The first one-on-one went to Jed and consisted of walking around and “exploring” Amsterdam. Hannah and Jed sampled chocolates, danced a jig, and chatted with an elderly couple who asked their nationality, to which Jed inexplicably replied “English.” Hannah quickly corrected him, but the audience was left to wonder whether Jed was confused by the question or is an idiot. Jed further pushed us to question his brain cells (or lack thereof) when he and Hannah were on a small canal boat and he told Hannah, “you are the best captain I’ve had in a looonng time.”
At dinner, Hannah poured her heart out. She talked about how strong her feelings are for Jed and how hard that makes it to “be all in” on the other dates. She eventually confessed she is falling in love with him, and his heart (according to Jed) fell through the earth.
Side note: remember the days when the Bachelor/Bachelorette was explicitly forbidden from saying they loved any contestants until the end? How the times have changed. Does anyone remember who was the first to do that?
The whole exchange was uncomfortable enough due to how clearly difficult it was for Hannah to push herself to express her feelings so bluntly, but the added layer of the internet-ghosted-girlfriend-tornado of the past week made it exceptionally cringey.
Tyler and Hannah Go Horse Riding
The second date went to Tyler, and the two hopped on horseback for some around-town clompin’. Tyler fessed up to bein’ afeared of horses, but he bucked up and pulled himself up onto that thar mighty steed. Tyler said that he would love for Hannah to meet his Momma, Nana, and the “whole crew.” Along their horse journey, they were given some pickled herring to eat and Tyler did not handle it well.
After the fear and gagging, this date somehow got even more fun when Hannah started grilling Tyler about his feelings about the past few weeks. She insisted that he be more open with his feelings and said that along with the positive things, she wanted to hear the “dirty and raw” things as well.
At dinner, Tyler did his best soul-searching and told her that his parents had lost everything when the market crashed and he subsequently watched his parent’s marriage crumble. This left him with a fear even bigger than that of horses and pickled herring – his fear of failing at marriage.
Tragically, there were no great Tyler quotes from this episode. He did say “I failed a lot in life, but I’m thankful for my fails, because I’m here with you today because of them,” but “I’m thankful for my fails” does not have enough of a ring to it to make up for what is either heinous grammar or inappropriately applied internet slang.
Connor’s Last Ditch Effort
The final date card was announced for Mike, and Connor was visibly crestfallen. He was feeling that he and Hannah hadn’t had a chance to connect since their sick-in-the-hotel date weeks ago, and he didn’t feel comfortable bringing someone home without more of a connection. What he should have done is go to Hannah and tell her that he was removing himself, but instead, the sweet baby angel went to Hannah and told her that he was falling in love with her. She quickly and gracefully told him that she didn’t see a long term relationship with him, and he went home.
Hannah Cries Over Art
Mike and Hannah began their date in art studio where they drew portraits of each other. They were horrendous. At some point during the date, Mike told Hannah that he was falling in love with her, and her face looked something like this:
They separated to get dressed up for dinner, and as they waited to reconvene, Hannah lightly cried in front of Vermeer’s girl with a pearl earring.
Once Mike arrived, they sat down for dinner, and Hannah immediately began crying. She claimed that it was because she was overwhelmed by being surrounded by such beautiful art, but they both knew why she was really crying. She mentioned a painting of St. Catherine holding a sword and a bible, and said, “I feel like it really encompasses everything that I’m going through right now.”
This is the painting she was talking about:
And, I get it. At first glance I guess you could see St. Catherine as a badass chick, holding both her spiritual and physical weapons, while her suitors fight over her in the background. But in reality, the men “fighting” behind her are the men who are planning to torture and execute her, and the sword she is holding represents the one used to behead her (after the wheel she was supposed to be tortured to death on miraculously shattered – that’s what the big gold thing is in the background). Plus, right before her execution, her torturer (Roman Emperor Maxentius) offered to spare her if she would marry him. She refused him, claiming to be married to Jesus himself and pledging her virginity to the Lord. So it’s safe to say that St. Catherine never f-cked anyone in a windmill.
Hannah continued on, and eventually got to her point – that she didn’t see herself as Mike’s wife. Mike handled it in the kindest way possible, despite being, by his own admission, crushed. He told her that it’s important to express her feelings and thanked her for being honest. She sent him off in a shiny glass elevator (but it just went down… it didn’t fly off through the air like the one in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate factory, sadly).
P.S. If you are an art nerd like me, (or even if you aren’t!), PLEASE read this hilarious article from artnews.com talking about Hannah’s emotional art experience: On ‘The Bachelorette,’ Vermeer and Master of Frankfurt Lead to Tears
P.P.S. I also died during this portion of the Ringer‘s recap by Rodger Sherman, because I am an art nerd. I will never, ever have enough of the ever elusive art joke.
“I suspect Girl With a Pearl Earring caused Mike’s downfall. Although nobody knows the painting’s actual backstory, it is so beautiful and poignant that authors and filmmakers have hypothesized about a romance between the painter and its subject, imagining a love lost to history but permanently consecrated in caring brushstrokes.
Hannah does explain how being surrounded by the art brought her to a moment of clarity, but I also suspect that Hannah looked at Vermeer’s masterpiece and remembered Mike’s drawing, which, by comparison, is total trash. How could she be with someone whose depiction of her was so simple, so skilless, so thoughtless? What a mistake by Mike, who spent precious time fighting with Luke P. when he should’ve been working on his painting skills to deal with the true threat: Johannes V.”
The Final 2 Hometown Boys Are Chosen
The final date was the group date, leaving Luke, Garrett, and Peter to hash it out for the last 2 Hometowns spots. Peter took an opportunity early in the date to gush to Hannah about falling in love with her and to list all of the things he loves about her (goofiness, strength, honesty, etcetera). She gave him a rose, freeing him to leave the date and run to Tyler’s adorable embrace.
This gave us, the viewers, the pleasure of getting to watch more Luke/Garrett fighting. It was the same old stuff, just a different day. Though, this time, Luke did throw some Bologna into Garrett’s lap. The whole thing felt kind of staged and awkward, honestly. I mean, there is no way there was just a plate of bologna conveniently sitting on the coffee table between them. I’m onto you, ABC! Strategically placing bologna and chicken nuggets during fight scenes!
Garrett, in a desperate attempt to stay in the game, told Hannah that he has graduated from falling in love for her, to being in love with her. It doesn’t work. No rose.
Luke, in a desperate attempt to stay in the game, told Hannah his story about God talking to him in the shower and telling him to stop sleeping with so many women. It works! And Luke gets the rose.
The good news is – if I am interpreting the season previews correctly, it looks like Luke goes home eventually. The bad news is – it may not be until overnights. Until then, I patiently await the day when I get to watch Hannah rip him a new one about her windmill sex. Just hoping that all of this nightmarish buildup of disgust with Luke P will result in a highly satisfying departure.