Hannah’s hometown dates began in the skies and ended in the depths of hell. The descent was so great – it inspired me to write a play.
THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY
Hannah, a young ingenue looking for love
Peter, a handsome airman
Peter’s Dad, an angel among us
Tyler, a charming seaman
Tyler’s Dad, a sweet buddy in ailing health
Luke, a gaslighting churchman
Luke’s Dad, an enabler
Luke’s Brother, another enabler
Jed, a cunning and manipulative troubadour
Jed’s Mom, a woman who just cannot with this
Jed’s Sister, another woman who just cannot with this
Producer, a malevolent off-camera force
Audience, the people who cannot stop watching and loving this show
Act I – Peter, the Airman
ACT I, SCENE 1
After traveling in a condom-filled Mercedes, Hannah and Peter arrive at an airplane hangar. Peter takes them to the skies in a small airplane.
HANNAH: Peter, have I mentioned that I think it is really hot that you are pilot? Airplanes are hot. Flying is hot. You are hot.
AUDIENCE: Hannah, why do you insist on talking about how sexy it is that Peter is a pilot? It’s just a job, Hannah.
Peter, mid-flight, takes his hands off the controls and turns to kiss Hannah. A full on kiss, eyes closed and all, while he is flying an airplane. Neither of them seem uncomfortable in the least.
AUDIENCE: Ok, we get it now.
ACT I, SCENE 2
Peter and Hannah arrive at Peter’s family home in Westlake Village, California. The home is warm and inviting, the kind of place where you would take your shoes off, not because you are scared to get dirt on the floor, but because you just feel that comfortable.
PETER’S ENTIRE FAMILY [with remarkable enthusiasm]: *Scream-sings a German mealtime prayer*
ACT I, SCENE 3
Peter and his dad walk to the backyard where they sit down opposite each other.
PETER: This has been such an amazing journey, and I really think Hannah is the one for me.
Peter’s dad, an angel among us, begins to cry. Peter reaches out to hold his hand, sweetly.
PETER’S DAD: You are so special, and I want the best for you! I hope she is the one for you, but all that matters is your happiness.
AUDIENCE: Peter’s dad for Bachelor!
ACT I, SCENE 4
At the end of the evening, Peter walks Hannah to the awaiting car.
PETER [aside]: Today was wonderful! I think I need to tell Hannah that I love her.
PETER [to Hannah]: Today was so great! I do not attempt to deny that I think very highly of you, that I greatly esteem you… that I like you.
AUDIENCE: Esteem her! Like her! Cold-hearted Peter! Oh! worse than cold-hearted! Ashamed of being otherwise. Use those words again and I will leave the room this moment.
Hannah exits stage left.
PETER: Welp, I tried.
(END OF ACT)
Act II – Tyler, The Seaman
ACT II, SCENE 1
The scene opens on a small boat in the waters of Jupiter, Florida. Hannah and Tyler prepare for an ocean tour of the town.
TYLER: The best way to see Jupiter is by boat, and I promise you I am better at driving a boat than riding a horse.
AUDIENCE: Does he lay awake at night thinking of adorable things like this to say? Or do they just come to him? He is like a character out of a Faulkner novel.
PRODUCER: Hey, you know what would be super sexy? Some shots of you lathering sunscreen all over each other’s bodies. Here, take this tiny nondescript bottle of lotion I found and pretend it’s sunscreen.
Producer carelessly tosses the sunscreen to Tyler, staring threateningly into his dreamy, blue eyes.
TYLER [to Hannah, in a tone that makes it clear he has no idea what sunscreen is]: Where do you want it?
HANNAH [hesitantly, belying the fact that she also has no idea how sunscreen works]: I don’t know… uhh… all over?
ACT II, SCENE 2
Tyler and Hannah gather in Tyler’s family home with his parents and siblings. The home feels like an Airbnb that was rented by the show because none of the family members homes worked out. Tyler and his Pops share a warm, prolonged hug.
TYLER’S POPS: I love you, buddy.
TYLER: I love you, too, buddy. I missed you, buddy.
TYLER’S POPS: I missed you, buddy.
TYLER’S POPS: Buddy.
AUDIENCE [tearfully]: He’s so beautiful.
ACT II, SCENE 3
Following the family gathering, Tyler walks Hannah to the awaiting car.
TYLER: I know it’s time for me to say goodbye, but I’m not ready for you to go.
Tyler jumps into the car with Hannah for a steamy make-out session. Hannah, characteristically, straddles him.
(END OF ACT)
Act III – Luke, The Churchman
ACT III, SCENE 1
Luke takes Hannah to his church to meet his Sunday school class. Luke stands in front of the group, bible in hand (which is a visual prop, never opened or referenced).
LUKE: You have probably all heard this story once before. Maybe even twice. Maybe you have heard it so many times that you want to scream and wish to never hear it again. But I am not hear to be respectful of your wishes because, as you all know, that is something I am not capable of.
In high school and college, I was caught up and entangled in sins of all sorts, but in particular, SEX SORTS. I was doing so many sex sorts of sins and so extremely entangled in them that Jesus had to have a personal intervention with me in my shower.
AUDIENCE: We KNOW.
SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS: What a beautiful story from a beautiful soul!
HANNAH: I am so grateful to have gotten confirmation that deep down, buried somewhere in the recesses of his soul, Luke may actually be the person that I have imagined him to be. I may never find this version of Luke, but I know it’s there, and I will never stop searching. I just love a good puzzle.
ACT III, SCENE 2
A PRODUCER, PRESUMABLY [squeezing the juice from an exotic flower]: I’ll drop the liquor of it in her eyes. The next thing then she waking looks upon, be it on lion, bear, or wolf, or bull… She shall pursue it with the soul of love.
Luke and Hannah arrive at Luke’s family home in Gainesville, Georgia. The home is exactly what you would expect from a middle-class family in Gainesville, Georgia. Warm, but drab. The family is gathered together in the living room.
LUKE’S DAD: Tell us about your beautiful love!
HANNAH: Things started off great. So much chemistry.
LUKE: And I told her I loved her almost immediately. She ate it up, guys. But things started to go downhill after that.
HANNAH: Really sharply downhill. Plummeting, one might even say. Every single other person on the show hated him and every conversation we had was about the fact that everyone hated him. It was not fun.
LUKE’S DAD: But he had you on his side, of course!
HANNAH: Well, no. He deserved the hatred and I kind of hated him too, if I’m being honest. But I also loved him? Hey, Producer – what was that dark liquid you poured into my wine earlier?
Off-camera, Producer shakes his head, ominously, as a warning.
LUKE: It was just hard because I felt like I had to constantly do and say all of the right things. I was trying to be perfect.
AUDIENCE: THAT WAS YOU TRYING TO DO AND SAY THE RIGHT THINGS? WE SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT YOU NOT TRYING LOOKS LIKE.
LUKE’S DAD: Sounds like you weren’t really being yourself, Luke. Hannah, how did he even make it this far?
HANNAH: I DON’T KNOW. I’m not feeling so great. I think I need to lie down.
Off-camera, Producer maniacally rubs his hands together, silently laughing.
ACT III, SCENE 3
Luke and his dad sit down together in a private room.
LUKE’S DAD [aside]: This negative behavior doesn’t sound like my son. I’m sure he didn’t really do anything wrong. I still haven’t worked it out in my head, really. I can see he isn’t proud of his behavior, but I couldn’t possibly confront him about it or challenge him in any way.
LUKE’S DAD [to Luke]: I hate to hear that anyone is critical of you; but since you are always right and never wrong, let’s just move past it. As long as Hannah was worth it, let’s just say it doesn’t even matter how you behaved.
AUDIENCE: Ah… everything makes so much sense now.
LUKE: Dad, you really get me. Of course all of my awful behavior sprung from the well of my pure and true love for Hannah.
LUKE’S DAD: We need to thank the Lord because, for some inexplicable reason, he has softened her heart toward you, which is truly shocking and confusing, even to me, a man completely blinded to your faults.
ACT III, SCENE 4
Hannah sits on the family couch with Luke’s brother and sister-in-law, who is also named Hannah.
HANNAH: I need you guys to shoot straight with me. Is Luke awful or not? Help me, please. I’m seeing double, and I think I’m being drugged or poisoned… or both.
LUKE’S BROTHER: Actually, Luke is truly perfect in every way. A paragon of virtue, if you ask me.
OTHER HANNAH: Well, I mean, sometimes he is awful. But he is always so sorry about it after.
LUKE’S BROTHER: SO sorry. You have no idea how sorry he can be. He just hurts people because he is too good and loves them too much.
HANNAH: Thank you so much for telling me what my delusional mind wanted to hear today.
ACT III, SCENE 5
Luke walks Hannah from his family home to the car waiting to drive her away. \
HANNAH: Wow, we had a good day together! One entire day that was not horrible for me. Is this what love feels like?
LUKE: This is definitely what love feels like. I mean, our relationship has been on track for at least one whole week, I think we are really gonna make it.
(END OF ACT)
Act IV – Jed, The Troubador
ACT IV, SCENE 1
Hannah and Jed enter a recording studio in Nashville, Tennessee.
HANNAH [aside]: Jed always has something in his pocket for me!
AUDIENCE: That’s what she said!!
JED: I was trying to decide where to take you today, and somehow we ended up at this recording studio. I know, it’s so embarrassing. I obviously don’t even care about promoting my music anymore, but I just love you so much that I wanted to bring you here to write a song about our love.
AUDIENCE: STOP. IT. STOP.
ACT IV, SCENE 2
Hannah and Jed head to Jed’s family home in Nashville, Tennessee. The home belies the kind of wealth that would enable a grown man to pursue a music career while his family pays his bills. After gathering together as a family for mealtime, Hannah and Jed’s mom move to a private room to talk.
JED’S MOM [with disgust in her voice]: I know Jed is just another guy to you.
HANNAH: He’s really not. I told him I am falling in love with him, actually.
JED’S MOM [disgust heightening]: But I bet you say that to all the boys.
HANNAH: Nope. Just Jed. Quick question, while I have you. Do you think Jed is ready to get engaged?
JED’S MOM [her disgust giving way to pity]: Ummmmm definitely not. He only cares about his music career and he will drop you like the hottest of potatoes if you get in the way of his fame, in any capacity, much like he did with his last girlfr… oop. Never mind. Forget I said that. In conclusion, he is absolutely not capable of the pure and true love you are seeking.
ACT IV, SCENE 3
Hannah and Jed’s sister lounge on a couch for some one-on-one sisterly bonding time.
HANNAH: Hi, please like me! Your mom was a LOT.
JED’S SISTER: Absolutely I will not.
HANNAH: Are you at least happy that Jed and I are in love?
JED’S SISTER: No. I HATE IT. GET OUT OF MY HAIR AND MY HOUSE.
ACT IV, SCENE 4
HANNAH [aside]: It sounds like Jed isn’t ready for marriage. Will he choose music or me?
AUDIENCE: *Collectively sighs in exasperation*
(END OF PLAY)
Who Went Home
Welp, no one. Hannah immediately gave roses to the two hot, great guys, but just could not make up her mind which of her favorite awful dummies to keep – so all four of them are headed to the fantasy suites.